About michelleferg

a prairie dweller, a mom and a librarian...sounds like the start of a joke

And F is for Forgetfulness

Who knew the letter F followed E? Has it been like this all this time?
Crazy. The alphabet: a fluid ancient relic…seems so oxymoronic…
So, spoiler alert, but G stands for Grit.

Anyway, I’ve decided that the biggest, kindest, least offensive F-word I can come up with as pertains to aging is Fashion.
That’s right.
My life through, I’ve never had a fashion sense, nor have I had the funds to pay for one, and now that I’m middlin’, well…I can’t find a sense of fashion to save my life.
I’ve tried! I go to the mall…ew…and I see what the girls are wearing. Emphasis on girls, because I’ve yet to find a chick my age with trendy wear.
Is it a thing, clothes for Middlin’s? Where? Where are these clothes?
And again, I need them to be affordable.
I’d love to dress like Jane Fonda in “Frankie and Grace” — Netflix; check it out (have you learned yet of my Netflix/Hulu/Amazon/and-now-Acorn affliction?) — but I can’t pull it off.
I could afford one piece, maybe two, and considering I’d have to wear more than one article of clothing, I’d be dead in the water, but sporting a fetching popped collar.
Nope, won’t work.
Here’s a funny-but-true tale of my latest shopping adventure.
No joke, I was at Target for sundries, those little things you go to purchase because you’re out of them but in dire need of a refill but doggone it, you end up with a cart of feeling-sorry-for-myself-and-this-one-little-thing-will-change-my-life…four times over.
A cart of crap, that’s what I was wheeling around.
And since I can’t resist a clearance rack of last season’s fashions I pivoted quickly when I spied a sign beckoning me to peruse.
It was emerald green, ruched at the signs, v-neck, three-quarter sleeve — it screamed at me, “You need me! I’m cute! I’m a lovely color, great for work or play in a pliable cotton, plus I’m machine washable!”
It was so me.
I checked the tag, chanting, “Don’t be petite small, don’t be petite small…”
And it wasn’t!
It was my size — large — which I’m not sure I technically should wear but it fits on all the days: the fat days, the not-so-fat days. You know. All the days.
BUT.
It sported a maternity label.
Did I shove it back on the rack quickly and dash away?
No.
Did I ponder a moment, thinking of the good ol’ days, when my body did what it needed to and it wasn’t a problem?
I most assuredly did.
When I was pregnant, I was so happy. My butt could sag, my boobs had phenomenal growth, everything shifted at random and it was all delightful as long as I had a Hershey’s bar in hand.
And here’s the other thing: maternity tops are for growing bellies or, I suggest, hide things that shouldn’t be where they are.
Am I right?

No. I didn’t buy the maternity top. But I’m sure it’s still there, hanging from a rack, tightly squeezed between petite leggings and an XL jumper, waiting for me to mull things a bit…
But my final question is still unresolved: what the heck are women my age wearing? And do they like it? And where did they find these treasures???

E is for Empty Nest

drawing of bird's nestE is so sad.
E is Empty. Of a kid. That still lives at home, by the way, but still…some day! Empty! No kid at home!
I can’t even stand the thought.
So now, years ahead of time, I’m thinking forward, looking up, seeing the way ahead, and it’s as depressing as I feared before I accepted the internal nagging of my mean-to-me Self snarkily jeering, “Hey, your kid might have a life outside your walls.”
“Whaaaat? He will not,” I argued, even as my stupid Self interrupted with, “Ya-huh, will so.”
I gave up the fight early, knowing I’d lose, but not before I sighed one of those warbly, long-winded, gut-wrenching breathy gusts that only come from deep, deep inside, like from under the spleen somewhere. The whoosh made Self smile, a Cheshire cat kind of crappy grin that makes my spleen tremble.
(The spleen seems like a sad, dark, forlorn place, though I’ve not seen it. Even the word — “spleen” — ugh, it’s so weird; it must describe a desolate, cold, maternally-unhinged environment.)

But there are other “E” words, like:
Early preparation: find a hobby — now, today — requiring so much focus (laser-honed focus, like something dangerous perhaps: welding, bow hunting, knife-throwing) that I won’t remember I’m sad and alone and cooking for one. (Who am I kidding? Have I met me? Do I recognize stoves if they’re around? Raisin Bran it is! A second bowl? No problem! Pass the Netflix!)
Easy does it: be nice to me; I’m a mom of one. My Bubs’ future roommates will understand his mom’s need for constant phone interaction and act accordingly, never once mocking my boy for his constant reiterations of “I love you, too, Mom,” and who also won’t grin as my boy rolls his eyes at said roommate, who will nod knowingly and consider calling his own mother because Guilt is a harsh mistress.
Establish early: that all of his beloved tech possessions at the time of his departure will remain in my care, thus assuring he will return to my fold…because tech toys rule all for my Bubs, and if I have to hold something called Nintendo hostage, so be it. I’ll do it. Ransom is a weekend with his mother doting all over him with take-out and incessant nagging, “Please, oh, please, turn that thing off and talk to me.” Just like old times.

Look at me being proactive! Takin’ the bull by the horns, making my independent way in a non-son kind of world. I can do it! I’ll learn to tat! I’ll buy from QVC! I’ll sell things on Etsy! I’ll be so dang busy I won’t notice the silence when I walk through my door, I won’t miss the laundry, I won’t miss nightly chess games I may or may not win, or the stacks of Rick Riordan books in odd places all over the house. Nope, I won’t miss any of that…’cause I’ll be so, so busy…doin’ my Adulting thing, whatever in the world that may be.
Change is good! It’s great, in fact. And I need the challenge of the unknown, ’cause I’ve got the parenting thing down, over, a notch in my belt. All done. No more.
Movin’ on.
Moving…on…

I’ve ignored my biggest E phrase: End on a high note. I learned it while going through a box of my grandmother’s things, in which I could not find a single smile. No photos of glee, no writings to amuse, no personality at all.
It was one of the biggest disappointments I’d experienced until then: my grandmother was not in the least bit happy.
So if you can leave a room with someone laughing — with you, not at you, unless that was your goal — do so. It’s the best ending.

(Momentarily I forgot my Empty nest scenario; I’ve remembered now. Insert the sounds of sobbing and one Kleenex after another Exiting its box.)

 

D is for Deep Breaths, and the Occasional Down Dog

Goodness, there are so many “D” words pertaining to aging.
Most of them start the word “Don’t.”
Don’t look back, don’t forget your vitamins, don’t go for that second margarita.
Don’t regret.
Don’t rely on hip and knee structure so fully any longer; you’re sure to be Disappointed.
It’s enough to make me give up on this alphabetical reflection I’ve embarked upon.
But then I was peer-pressured into a little yoga — a new thing I do as an aging soul, because it’s so much kinder than step aerobics, plus my eyes are closed a lot, so I don’t have to see and resent the presence of others in cute outfits surrounding body parts in place where they should be. (You’ll get older; you’ll see what I mean.)
And I realized during my fourth session of yoga — heated yoga, no less, which is another story altogether, good heavens — that “Down Dog” starts with a D!
And “Deep Breath”, a life skill I thought I’d fully mastered, but guess what, nope. I was even admonished once with, “Don’t forget to breathe,” from the instructor as she made a gentle, rescuing grab at my arm while I was attempting a balancing move I thought I really nailed. (Also nope. But in my head, I was a freakin’ yogi.)
Shoot, now I deep breathe all over the place. Deep, deep breaths, in lines, in the car, in the car line. (Ugh. The car line. Sometimes that requires the deepest of breathing, am I right? It’s the sixth layer of hell.)
And breathing — who knew? — it kind of Delightful. It’s centering. A reboot of sorts. Plus, it eases that tension line between my eyebrows, the one I hate but loves me so much it’s trenched, ready to stick around for years.
Also, it’s preventative. Concentrating on breathing helps distract my imagination from shooting imaginary darts into the shopper in front of me, the purchaser paying for a full cart of items with the contents of a Ziploc loaded with coins of the smallest possible denomination. (That much copper in one locale should be guarded by bank employees.)
There are other D words —  drab, dowdy, dumpy, dimples, where one does not wish for dimples — that come with aging; internal words that take me down in a moment.
What do I do with such negativity? Breathe. Deeply. And do a down dog or two, because the blood rush leads to a re-focus on the good stuff:
Wait…I’ve put myself on the spot and I’m having trouble coming up with happy D words…
Hang on…it’s coming to me…
AHA!
Doting on my boy! (He’s maybe a little spoiled; I’m okay with that, maybe even Delighted! (Can’t stop me now!))
Driving! (Adults get to drive and we love it.)
(ignoring) the Dust laying around everywhere! Because I CAN! Because I’m an aDult!!
Plus, all this avoids the big “D” we age-rs fear:
Diapers.
Shudder.

C is for Calcium

My gynecologist has pretty shoes, great shoes. Really expensive, chic, stylish shoes.
I know this because I’m forever looking at her feet instead of her eyes.
Truly, an impressive shoe collection.
And once when I was staring at a pair of spectator heels in a kicky black and white pairing — no peep-toe, either, so classy — I heard her utter the phrase, “You need more calcium at your age.”
Instead of bristling at the aging remark — I mean, she’s a doctor, for heaven’s sake, I get that — I heard the words, “You need more ice cream from the freezer case.”
So I stopped at the store on the way home from my appointment.
Do you know about pint sized ice creams? Because if you don’t, I’m doing you a favor.
Ben, Jerry, Blue and Bell, Haagen and Dazs, all excellent purveyors of the miniaturized creaminess, because, hey, buying the big jug just seems excessive.
A couple of those a week and suddenly it’s been a year, time to see the doc, who’s wearing a fetching pair of espadrilles and telling me, “My, you’ve gained a little weight since I saw you last.”
This, I couldn’t ignore. “Maybe a little,” I remarked while pointing to her toes. “Did you get those from Amazon?”
“Yeah, I did,” she answered, wiggling her feet for better display value. “But what are you eating?”
“Calcium.”
“Just supplements or…”
“Oh, no, ice cream,” I answered, still calculating what I know about what this woman charges for a visit against her Amazon shoe budget. And just as I was about to ask if her espadrilles came in a different color, one more rakishly navy than magenta, she asked, “How much ice cream?”
“A pint.”
“Well, a pint a week shouldn’t…”
She consulted my chart. I stewed. Should I say anything? Should I ‘fess up? Because the truth…ah, the truth…
Then I couldn’t help it. I laughed.
“Maybe two a week…or three…” I know I grinned impishly. I was going for “sheepish,” but I didn’t feel guilty enough to pull that one.
She, however, did not contain her disgust. “ONE,” she practically warbled, “Is enough calcium for a week.
Defensive, I turned into a preschooler. “YOU SAID…”
I stopped myself.
She shook her head a lot. I fumed. And left quickly.
But guess what I headed home to find awaiting me in my own freezer section?

B is for Bat Wings


This aging thing seems slow, but I’m telling you, one morning I woke to be thirty-two years old and able to fly because of enormous sheets of flesh dangling from beneath my shoulders.
As you’ll note from this carefully, meticulously, dare-say-I perfect rendering of a woman’s human arm in comparison to that of an also-mammal-but-not-human bat, the resemblance is uncanny. Both winged creatures have five appendages dangling from the end of a large upper wing bone, and both have excessive sails attached to the rigging.
The bat needs to fly, of course; I got that.
But me? Not so much. Firstly, I’m afraid of heights, so there’s no reason I’d travel upward high enough and certainly no reason to ever ever ever jettison myself from any type of dizzying platform. Second most — is that a phrase? I feel like it is…or maybe I just like it and created it just now — see number Firstly.
As the great Kathleen Madigan, comedic delight of around my same age, wisely reported after asking her trainer about arm selvage (I don’t believe she used the term “bat wings,” though she might have), he said something along the lines of: “Mostly that shit is genetic.”
Pardon the swearing, but after consulting my own physical trainer — Google, who never pushes me too hard and never asks me to do more than I feel comfortable — my swearing was far worse. I’d asked for enlightenment on eliminating the wings sans surgery and, after many wrong turns and one last denial of any exercise course beginning with the words “30-Day Challenge,” I, too, had found no help and no hope, yet I’d lucked onto a great three-ingredient recipe for banana pudding. Yum.
You’d think if I were forced to have the wings, I could at least run through the Bat Menu and grab echolocation, because age has sucked away my eyesight, too. (See the soon-to-be-released codicil to this post titled: “B is also for Blindness.” ) But that was when I turned forty…or forty-one…maybe forty-two…
And I haven’t even mentioned the big Double B: the Belly Bulge.
Oh, heavens, that one’s just too depressing. We’ll move along.
Coming soon to this very blog: F is for Forgetting…and other Fun F-Words.

“A” is for Adulting, which Translates to Aging

Getting old sucks.
“It’s not for the weak…”
“It’s better than the alternative…”
“It’s for the birds…”
What did birds ever do to us to wish aging upon them? That one, I just don’t understand.
My grandmother said, “When you get old, there’s nothing that Vaseline or a magnifying glass won’t help.”
Now, that one, I understand.
I really…really…wish I didn’t.
So here I am, sagging in the middle of virtually everything — where once was a smooth plain, well, things have shifted during travel, and if there was a hill or two, well, it’s melted among the other planes.
Nothing is where I thought I put it.
But the biggest issue thus far is that my stamina is gone.
Here’s how I know: gardening.
Yesterday was a delight, a real treat for the books: sunshine, warm light, slight breeze — slight breeze! that never happens on the prairie! — and the smell of freshly turned earth. Sublime.
Every year I expand my flower bed by about a foot. Apparently, I want a big flower bed, because every year I extend it, then ignore it because…hot…I don’t like heat in the least bit.
This year, no difference: bed needs to be bigger, bed needs to be weeded, bed needs close inspection with a lot of bending, shoveling, and cursing involved.
And I was fine. Physically, feeling good. Mentally, preparing to not over-work myself, because the first day of full-on yard work is exhausting.
Truly, I was smart about it.
“Don’t over-do,” I said to myself.
And even more odd, I listened to me. When does that happen?
So I dug holes, I pulled on weeds, I extracted grass roots yards long, because Bermuda grass does insist on keeping its foothold, and when the bell in my head sounded, telling me to quit, I did! 
I forgot to tell you this one detail: I don’t actually sit to work, I bend. Over. From the waist. In complete disregard of all safety videos/procedures/apps, I bend at the waist to work.
Thus, in order to abandon my post, stop with the clean-out and start with the clean-up, I had to do one simple thing: stand upright.
THAT, my friends, was when I realized how oh-so-very-much aging sucks.
When I stop whining, I’ll get back out there, to my front yard, and clean up my weedy, rooty, filthy mess. But I’m waiting for a non-windy day.

Car People


My Bubs and I are Car People.
Who knew?
What started with a movie coercion–the Bubs hates theatres–erupted into a newly found obsession with cars: pretty ones, with shiny chrome and guttural exits.
Because before the film, we nibbled at popcorn during the commercials when lo and behold, up popped an ad for a show called “Grand Tour,” which we immediately found upon arrival at the casa. One too-quick two-season streaming binge led to dabbling within around 17 seasons of “Top Gear.”
Television perusal I would not have seen if not for dragging the Bubs to see…whatever that movie was…I’m sure it was great.
Hm.
(I’m sure it was a top quality film, Oscar-worthy, but perhaps not memorable…)
Between episodes of “Top Gear,” the Bubs and I are ever on the lookout for “cool” cars, which led to the City and a car show.
I’ve noticed our ideas of “cool” often differ.
Where I appreciate “Muscle” or “Cute,” Bubs raves over “Tech” or the vehicles he dubs with the obscure-and-can’t-quite-be-pinned-down term, “Sweet.”
Whatever the verbiage, I’m sure my boy and I are saying the same thing, right?
Anyway, he’s young. He’ll learn.
I’m kidding! Of course he’s not going to like the same style as me. It’s personal taste. And again…he’s young…and he’s still in training.

Bottoms Up to New Things, Momentarily


I have an open mind.
Right?
I’m willing to try new things…except skydiving…and anything to do with sharks, snakes, or spiders…or the ocean…but other than that, I’m open! Mostly…
Anyway, a bottle of drinking vinegar showed up in my fridge after a visit from my mother, who is always willing to try new things on me, I guess.
For six weeks, I ignored that bottle of drinking vinegar, because…ew.
Suddenly one morning I steeled myself and opened the bottle.
The vinegar was sparkling, and again…ew.
And it was strange fruits of pomegranate and…something else…exotic fruits to the prairie, I can tell you.
Which made it more appealing, I admit. Yeah, I’m rogue.
So I sipped.
Immediate reaction: a snarl.
Secondary reaction: hmmmm…
Third reaction: I’m headed to Sprouts for more.
Well…I couldn’t find this particular brand, so I tried a different one.
Final reaction: Never, ever, leave your comfort zone. It’s just not worth it.
And wait until your mom drags another jug of goodness into your fridge.

All You Need…is a Good Chicken Coat


I have chickens.
I don’t believe they like me, though I feed them. But I’m fairly certain I like them, until winter descends.
Fowl beasts do not conveniently switch to hibernation when it’s freezing cold out, thereby allowing me the convenience of remaining inside where it’s toasty warm, therefore I must render myself impervious to the elements in order to feed and water/de-ice these ridiculous critters twice a day.
I’ve remarked about the chicken coat before, because, aside from the fire pit, the chicken coat is my most valued home accessory.
Everyone needs one. It’s yellow…vibrant within any blizzard, for identification purposes when my frozen corpse is uncovered come spring…and it’s puffy, like stitched clouds of strange, inorganic material that tells the prairie winds to “bring it,” because, seriously, breezes do not enter into the realm of warmth beneath the glowing sun-colored, zippered goodness that is my chicken coat.
But.
I have other uncovered, frozen bits, so I tuck in…pull the shoulders upright, hide the neck, breathe within the cave of parka, move quickly, scurry inside before limbs fall off.
I love this coat.
But here’s a funny: I wore my coat on an especially chilly day into the world, into a public space, where people could see the grunge and filth encasing this otherwise spectacular specimen, so prete a porter.
(Darn embarrassing is what it was, but doggone it, I was cold, thus the coat had to stay.)
Anyway, whilst in a public restroom, I discovered how incredibly tiny construction can be. Who thought mounting a sink onto a wall with only three inches of selvage on either side would be genius? And mounting a paper towel holder and soap dispenser within that same realm? Dazzling use of space, right?
Because, when I right-handedly waved beneath the non-touch soap dispenser, my left elbow inadvertently caused the non-touch towel dispenser to spool out a six-inch length of paper. And when I waved beneath the water spout, my gigantic sleeve leaned heavily toward the soap’s unblinking eye, once more spraying upon my innocent sleeve. So what to do, but rinse the offended arm of its foamy layer, which caused the water to gush again.
I had two wet sleeves and a fistful of foaming Dove while a drying device looked on.
I tried, again and again, to rinse, de-soap, dry, rinse, repeat…
Until at last I gave up, and left the bathroom, and walked amongst the peoples admiring my bravery, my angry face dripping from within such a bold fashion statement — a yellow chicken coat, stained, probably smelly, and leaving a wet trail of droppings while I walked my Bubs and I out into the frigid air.
At home, I told the chickens I’m done with them, they’re on their own.

Rockin’ to the 80’s…at around 80mph…but it’s ROCK!

My favorite Sirius channel lately has been the 80’s on 8. Reminiscent, I guess.
All week I’ve felt the need to buy a fresh can of hair mousse and pop my collar. But since I’m living a mostly cotton-tee existence lately, alas and alack, I’m without a collar to pop.
Sad.
Friday, after an Alan Hunter (remember him??), Charlie Sexton’s “Beat So Lonely” blared from the speakers and I nearly had to pull the truck over, because this girl had to rock. Just had to. (But I was in a truck; can a truck rock? or only mildly contort, because it knows nothing other than country things? I truly wished for a sports car at that moment.)
All weekend, I didn’t dare turn that knob. (Remember when vehicles had knobs? and window cranks? and wondered, what-the-heck-is-a-USB-port?) A week of Bowie, Springsteen, Bon Jovi, a dash of Thompson Twins, a smattering of A Flock of Seagulls spiced with a dusting of Duran Duran and my hair nearly congealed itself into a pompadour fronted by big bangs.
This morning I was compelled to Google Sexton’s name, typing quickly, all the while thinking, “Pleasedon’tbedead, pleasedon’tbedead…”
(This last couple of years, sneaky, evil Time has eroded my Rock Pantheon Monument, crumbling it into near-oblivion. So many guitars; too quiet now.)
But fortunately, no! Not only is Sexton still among the living, but he’s only moments older than I, doubling my relief that the man is still walking the earthly orb.
All morning, I’ve been YouTubing. I don’t do that, my son does that, yet here I am, clicking on one video after another, bouncing around in my absurdly uncoordinated middle-aged white girl brand of nearly-Fonda aerobics that double as Prancercising.
(Google that one; I’ll wait.)
In The Day, in the late 1900’s, I owned and wore out the Pictures for Pleasure album on vinyl, back when LPs were a norm. I’ll admit, I chose the record instead of the cassette because of the cover art. Because, well, aesthetics and all.
Now vinyl is back — my keen insight tweaked my nubian brain, blimpsing into the 2000’s and begging me to choose the proper form of musical listening — and sadly, I have no idea where that album could be.
I could cry, but I won’t, because thank heavens for YouTube, and Amazon, and next-day delivery.
If you see a big ol’ truck going too fast down a country road, but the music is awesome, please don’t stop me until you hear the song’s final, fading, fleeting departure, ’cause otherwise, I might really cry.